As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
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How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way