We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.