ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
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I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.