10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
You Might Also Like
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Waiting for the Charmin
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I am also baked goods
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
an octopus is just a wet spider
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
January has been Januweary
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start