People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
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The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Lassie, get help!
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.