STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
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[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish