I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
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detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.