ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
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I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
The two types of wives
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?