How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
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A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
What
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Me trying to reach for my goals
Worst bar ever.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
same bro
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
constantly working on myself.