This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
You Might Also Like
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..