Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
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Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
🛁
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Life is a suicide mission.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.