“Morning, how was your weekend?”
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Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
yeet
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I think I’m having a stroke
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.