Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
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Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.