At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
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I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away