Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
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According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Need WebMD
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
welp
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job