Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
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Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER