[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
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[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.