How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
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13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
sensitive skin
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.