monday
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Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭