Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
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Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
This is enough internet for the day.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.