Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
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My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
LA today:
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?