[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
You Might Also Like
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”