If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
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CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
2022 will be better than 2021
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.