“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
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Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
This could be us but you eatin’
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
quarantine day 3
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one