*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
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the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?