I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
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Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Welcome
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
That’s fair
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.