[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
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lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.