birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
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it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed