me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
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Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.