Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life