[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
The booster protects against what, now?
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?