“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
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How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
thank god the sign was there
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.