Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
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I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father