What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
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Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows