I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
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The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.