You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
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I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
#inspiration #foodforthought
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
We have a winner.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday