Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
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When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Just so funny
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.