I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
You Might Also Like
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
*puts my mental health in rice
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.