If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
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I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Don’t talk down to me
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.