I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
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DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…