10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
You Might Also Like
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.