still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
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When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
#Caturday
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning