[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
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Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.