ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
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The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?