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Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
When they try to steal your moment.
Said the murderer.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.