I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
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I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Doggies just call it style.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.