A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
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Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.