My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
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I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
giddy up Office Depot
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.