[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
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Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
yeah 😭
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls