started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
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When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.